onebetter | Inbox for daybreakacademy

[ It's only at the last second that James can actually hold himself back from protesting that he does know what's normal. ]

I can do that.

[ Most likely. Probably. Maybe. Fake it 'til you make it, right? He'll live up to his bold claim somehow. ]

You already snap at me when I just try to be nice, though.

[There's an exasperated groan as he pinches the bridge of his nose.]

I didn't snap at you. I said there wasn't any need for you to feel obligated to be nice. You;re the one who took offense to that.

You called it 'nice guy gestures'. That sounded pretty condescending.

[ And maybe James is overreacting about it, but he's only starting with the whole self-reflection thing so expertise has yet to be achieved.

How....?

[Keith actually pauses in the middle of rubbing his face just to look up incredulously at his roommate.]

I literally said the gestures were nice, idiot.

Huh?

[ This in turn totally catches James by surprise and it shows on his face. ]

In the context it sounded like you meant I was posturing as a 'nice guy' persona that I'm not.

[ And he's fairly confident most people would read it this way. He thinks. God, Keith is making him doubt himself. ]

Nevermind then?

Well you're not a nice guy.

[....Blunt as always with that bit of unhelpful clarification.]

The offer was nice though.

[ James grits his teeth at the assessment but says nothing. Keith has a right to say this, he knows now. He'll just have to prove him wrong.]

And it'll keep standing, just so you know.

[A short silence follows as Keith simply stares at James. The persistence here is utterly inexplicable, and as easy as it would be to brush this off as "James wants to pat himself on the ass for being a good person", he doesn't want to have the same argument over and over again.

Feeling some mixture of underwhelmed, frustrated and frankly... maybe a little homesick because he can't just wander around alone in the desert while he's restless and like his body is too small for him, Keith closes his eyes and wraps his arms arms tightly around the pillow.]

..does getting along with me really matter that much to you?

Yeah.

[ This much is a simple answer to get out there. The elaborations are harder, because James himself isn't too sure on them. Is it wanting a pleasant living situation? Is it guilt? Is it just a hatred of failure? It's all of that and none of it.

So maybe he should just not say any of it. Answer Keith's 'yes or no' question with a 'yes or no' answer and hope that Keith appreciates the simplicity. ]

[That's not the answer he was expecting. Or at the very least he was expecting a couple of footnotes and conditions tacked onto that. Stupidly, he actually looks up again, expression betraying some of that surprise before his brow furrows again.]

Because it's hard to study when we fight, huh?

[It's not an accusation, his voice is too soft for it.]

... I mean, that's one thing. Fighting is distracting and it sucks when you can't avoid it even within your own room.

[ Keith looks... almost vulnerable this way. James isn't sure if he's seen him look this small since... well, since Keith was actually small. When he came into their class all these years ago, before James learned of his bite in so many ways.

It's weird. It's a little scary, if he's being truthful with himself. James swallows. ]

But also... Well, I recently learned I've been massively unfair to you in the past. I still want to start over.

Why do you care about that?

[Life is inherently unfair. Keith's known this for a long time. It didn't matter that his dad was trying to save people's lives, he still died a horrible death in the process. It didn't matter that Keith was only nine at the time and had nobody else who would take him in if his dad was gone. Just like it didn't matter that he was scared and confused, all he was ever going to be to some people was something that had to be killed on the spot. Keith breathes out, turning his face away.]

You can't make everything right.

[But if he's being honest with himself, it's not like that's ever stopped him from trying in whatever way possible to make things right for himself anyway. With sharp words, with his fists. All the things people don't appreciate.]

Edited 2019-03-26 21:16 (UTC)

[ I can try. It's on the tip of James' tongue along with an inspirational mini-speech about the merits of conviction... but that's not really what this is, is it?]

Maybe not, but you're kind of... part of my life. I wanted to be your friend as a kid and that never happened because I made a mistaken assumption. Seems worth to try and fix a little.

[ He licks his lips very shortly, feeling like he's said too much or spoken too ambitiously.]

I mean, you get on my nerves all the time and I don't know if friends is really what we can be, but good roommates seems doable.

The hell do you want to be friends for?

[The questions blurted a bit incredulously before Keith's given any thought to the sentiments behind it. Perplexed rather than hostile, Keith can't help half wanting to laugh a little humorlessly.]

You're always getting on my case for not doing things your way.

I did say it might not be super likely as we are right now.

[ The clarification comes quick, an addendum needs another second. There is no eye contact as he says it. ]

You're a piece of home though.

[Keith doesn't manage to keep himself from blurting out his thoughts this time either.]

...You're homesick.

[James isn't looking him in the eye, but it doesn't deter him from staring anyway. Technically that's not some grand revelation by any means. In fact, it makes even more sense for James to feel that way than Keith himself does. And yet he still wasn't expecting to feel like they have this one common thread.]

[ Well, the incredulity gets James to pick up eye contact once more.]

Yeah. Is that so shocking?

No, I --

[He breathes out, looking away again. His words are more careful this time.]

Guess I just thought you were having a good time and not thinking about home.

I am having a good time.

[ That's only partially true but that's not for today.]

I just also love Arizona and it's weird and lonely to not go home to any of the places or people I know. Except for you, I guess.

[That meeps Keith quiet for a long moment, grip tightening on the pillow. The words inadvertently strike a weird chord, like something that comes dangerously close to leaving spinters under his armor.

It's weird and lonely to not go home to any of the places or people I know.

Every day.

Every fucking day until he was finally shoved into a group home that couldn't figure out how to legally be rid of him.

He can't have this conversation. Won't have this conversation. Instead, he turns to lie down on his side with his back turned to James, body curled around the pillow.]

...sucks, doesn't it.

... a bit. I miss home.

[ And he can't imagine the kind if missing that Keith has been dealing with for as long as they knew each other. It's only the other's body language that finally reminds him of that.]

You being here makes it better, but yeah. Constant fighting is too much of nostalgia, even then.

Edited 2019-03-26 22:31 (UTC)

[It takes a long moment of silence before Keith responds to this.]

Could you close the curtains?

[Sure it doesn't address the point, but he doesn't think James is going to call him out on that. He's already feeling off and doesn't need anyone else contributing to it.]

Sure.

[ James takes the cue that their little conversation is over. It's been... well, he feels awkward now but he can see that some of these things needed to be said sooner rather than later. Without delay, he follows Keith's requests and closes the curtains before turning his desk light on. Still needs to be able to see his books and all, even when the room is considerably darker like this.

James sits back down with his work. ]

Rest well.

[It's a little better when the moonlight isn't coming directly through the window, though it's largely a placebo type of effect. When little darker and Keith has his eyes closed to block out the rest of the world, it feels as though nobody's going to bother him, which in turn makes staying calm easier. More within reach.]

... thanks.

[He slowly pulls the blanket up and over his head. There's a lot that was said that feels... strange to mull over. Sentiments like being part of home for James is simultaneously easy and difficult to wrap his mind around. Weird. The whole thing is fucking weird.]

Same, I guess.

[Vague contextless muttering.]

Hn?

[ James makes a noncommittal noise of questioning, his brain only catching up to what words Keith said after he's already let it out. 'Same' to what? It takes James another moment to catch up to that and when he does, he's not sure if his conclusion is correct.

If it really is that, if Keith is really referring to the last thing he said.... What a strange thought that'd be, for his presence to give Keith any kind of comfort. For Keith to admit as much. It's the progress that James is aiming for, but more than anything it makes him a little nervous. ]

...oh, I see. Good then.

[ He tacks on lamely, just so Keith doesn't feel pressured into elaborating on something this fragile. James turns back to his books with that, but his focus is gone. ]

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