onebetter | Inbox for daybreakacademy

[It's a little better when the moonlight isn't coming directly through the window, though it's largely a placebo type of effect. When little darker and Keith has his eyes closed to block out the rest of the world, it feels as though nobody's going to bother him, which in turn makes staying calm easier. More within reach.]

... thanks.

[He slowly pulls the blanket up and over his head. There's a lot that was said that feels... strange to mull over. Sentiments like being part of home for James is simultaneously easy and difficult to wrap his mind around. Weird. The whole thing is fucking weird.]

Same, I guess.

[Vague contextless muttering.]

Hn?

[ James makes a noncommittal noise of questioning, his brain only catching up to what words Keith said after he's already let it out. 'Same' to what? It takes James another moment to catch up to that and when he does, he's not sure if his conclusion is correct.

If it really is that, if Keith is really referring to the last thing he said.... What a strange thought that'd be, for his presence to give Keith any kind of comfort. For Keith to admit as much. It's the progress that James is aiming for, but more than anything it makes him a little nervous. ]

...oh, I see. Good then.

[ He tacks on lamely, just so Keith doesn't feel pressured into elaborating on something this fragile. James turns back to his books with that, but his focus is gone. ]

[In all reality he probably shouldn't be leaving this up to interpretation. God knows what James thinks they're agreeing on if he thinks this is a good thing, and ugh.

But if the point is to try and stop being at each other's throats, then it'd be better to just keep quiet, isn't it?

Keith sighs audibly.]

Fucked up you mean.

[So maybe he hasn't internalized James' request not to fight, but it's not stated in a combative tone of voice.]

[ James has been staring blankly onto his page before and he continues staring blankly after Keith speaks up again, because all his mind is with their little talk and whatever theoretical magic he is looking at seems very far away right now. ]

Yeah, that too. Because it's us, of all people. I know that.

[ Literally anyone else would be better suited to provide a piece of home to one another, and yet this is somehow so much better than nothing. ]

[His back stays turned to James, continuing to mutter softly under the blanket.]

Yeah. Bet you're really wishing it was literally anyone else in our class here with you, huh.

[And who could blame James for it? Even without all the weirdness surrounding their previous enemy status, nobody really wants to be dealing with a werewolf during a full moon.]

Don't blame you.

[ Likewise, James doesn't turn back to face Keith either. Some conversations are better held when your body is pretending there isn't any conversation at all. ]

Can't deny it'd be nice.

[ Why lie? Keith knows as well as James does that most people from their graduating class are James' actual friends while Keith is... Keith. ]

I don't really think about it though. Seemed too fitting that it'd be you.

["Fitting" isn't exactly what Keith would've called it and it gets a moment's pause before he responds.]

What so you think we're just destined to annoy each other for all eternity or something.

[Curses and shit like that would have made him laugh a couple of months ago, but it's harder to laugh when you know all too well that magic's as real as the air they're breathing. He's never been prone to thinking along these lines, but considering the blight's viewed as a curse to begin with, he just wouldn't be surprised anymore.]

That's one way to put it.

[ James' reply comes without missing a single beat, though he is certainly not thinking of literal curses or anything along those lines. ]

If there was anyone I'd be stuck with after high school, it'd be you.

[ None of the others were even really candidates. Too far removed from the world that James knew he was going to enter eventually. Of course, he's keeping in touch with them and he'll continue to do so into adulthood, but... None of them ever seemed like a possible part of this new world of magic. Keith... Keith meanwhile would worm himself into anything and everything, unchained by rules or expectations. ]

[Keith mulls that one over, half way tempted to ask James what that's even supposed to mean, but then he loses patience with this line of thought entirely.]

Tell Claire you want a room change if you hate it so much.

[Fuck this. Fuck all of this destiny, fate, cursed crap. They don't have to put up with each other if they don't want to.]

[ James lets out a sigh that is almost a groan and softly lets his head thud onto his schoolbook. ]

I don't want to. I want to get along with you, as I just said.

[ It shouldn't be impossible and yet they're already steering back in the direction of arguing. ]

[Back to this familiar song and dance, huh. Despite it all though, Keith just finds himself snapping again.]

I'm just saying if your primary motivation for wanting to get along is just cuz we're stuck in the same room, we literally don't have to be.

[A deep breath. Keith knows it's more than just that. They just talked about this; they were just talking about missing home and finding a fucked up sense of comfort in each other's presence, but the more he thinks about it, the more he hates himself for feeling that way at all.]

Forget it, okay? I've got plenty of better reminders of home than you and so do you.

[ James keeps his head down on his desk. The only thing that might motivate him to lift it again is the desire to slam it down again, harder.

They'd almost gotten somewhere here, almost reached a mutual understanding of some sort. And then it all fell apart again, as it always does when they're together. ]

I've just spent twenty minutes explaining to you that I want to get along with you for a variety of reasons. I've literally just reasoned out that you're the one it feels most natural to be here with.

But you're never going to believe me on anything I say anyway, are you?

[Under the blanket, Keith's curled himself around the pillow, gripping it so tightly that his knuckles blanche white. Going the fuck to sleep feels like such a faraway endeavor when it seems like he's been flooded with adrenaline, his heart beating so hard he can feel his head starting to throb. He doesn't know why it has to be like this -- why he to be like this -- and hates having to feel like this around James in particular.

If he were alone, he'd be sitting upright punching the pillow, punching the wall -- just to let out some of this internal pressure that has him in a chokehold, but he fucking can't because James is there and he doesn't want James to know the extent of how miserable he feels.

Trapped in his own body. Trapped together. He just needs to fucking breathe.]

Can you just shut up already?!

[it's snapped. Oh so inadvisably snapped and Keith regrets it almost instantly.]

[ James grits his teeth together so heavily that it hurts at Keith's outburst. He's had enough of this conversation, he's had enough of every kind gesture he's ever given Keith's way only coming back to make him feel worse. But he can't stop this, can't give up on getting along now that he's put so much into it. He won't be losing to Keith again.

For this evening though, he's had enough of his roommate. Keith wants him to shut up? Great, he can have that. See what a great and considerate roommate James is. He lifts his head again and demonstratively flips a page on his book, getting back to work at least seemingly. ]

[Silence. He asked for it and it only makes him feel sick. ]

What's wrong with you? I snap at you and you just... take it. Even though -- [He breathes in, digging his fingers deeper into the pillow.]

Even though I'm the one fucking things up again.

[He sits up, yanking the blanket off of him.]

I hate this.

[ For the first time since he went back to his desk, James actually looks at Keith. Or more accurately, he whips around to stare. He needs the eye contact to convince himself that Keith is for real, that he's actually such a major jackass idiot. It seems hardly possible.]

What, like you aren't making me prove myself by hurling this shit at me until I 'reveal my real colors' and you can convince yourself I wanted to be mean to you from the start?

I'm not going to budge, Keith, get it into your thick skull. You can't make me change my mind. I will get along with you. With you specifically.

[ It all comes out rapid-fire, fast and agitated. James feels himself getting up without planning to do so, simply staring at Keith and inappropriately declaring his intent in a slightly raised voice.]

[The instant James gets up, Keith follows suit' It's nothing but a pure aversion to feeling small in the other's presence, and it's a dangerous one at that. One that's very familiar. One that tends to lead to bruises and mistakes. Already Keith's hands are balled into fists, though they aren't raised.

The words are.. absurd. I will get along with you? What kind of declaration is that? Keith doesn't know if he wants to laugh or just shake James back into reality.]

I'm not! [Frustrated; he loses grip on things like eloquence.] I'm not trying to make you do anything! You're the one who --

[He cuts himself off, clenching his teeth. No. He;s doing this all wrong.]

Fine. You're right. I'm fucked up. So start making sense and stop trying to be my friend.

Edited 2019-04-06 00:35 (UTC)

I didn't say that, shithead!

[ Unbearable. Keith is unbearable and so is the tension between them. James steps forward, anger coursing through his veins.]

You're an absolute asshole, yeah, but that won't stop me. I messed this up once and I won't mess up a second time!

[ His hands shoot up to grip Keith's shoulders. He's not sure what he's intending with the motion, not sure what he's doing at all.]

I know what I'm doing! I know what I want! I've watched you our whole lives, I know who I'm talking to, so stop undermining it!

[Keith wasn't expecting to be grabbed. The hands on his shoulders has him immediately bringing his own hands to grab James' wrists. gaze cold as he looks James dead in the eyes.]

The hell?! You were an asshole to me in school for a few years and now you think you know me? You don't know a damn thing about me, idiot! You don't know what kind of life I've had or what I've been through.

[Teeth grit, his grip on James' wrists tightens; fingernails digging into skin.]

You wouldn't get it either. Someone like you -- [A sharp intake of breath.] Just get off me already!

[ James can't actually get off Keith, at least not easily. Not with Keith's nails digging into his skin painfully. How did they get here? How did a simple gesture backfire this badly? James hates it. Blood is rushing in his ears, anger and dread equally taking hold of his body.]

People like me, is that so? What kind of terrible person am I, that I can never change and make amends?!

[ He's speaking more quietly himself now, meeting Keith's stare evenly. Nobody has ever made him feel this much like shit. And yet he doesn't want to give up.]

Someone who's always known that they fucking matter!

[The words come out in a venomous rage. Keith is sick of this, sick of every word comng out of James' fucking mouth, but this? This was far too much fucking said on his part.]

[Flooded with the need to get the hell away from James and what he just said, he releases his grip on James like the contact's given him third degree burns, shoving James as hard as he can to put some space back between them..]

I-- [Shitshitshitshit.] Just forget it.

[ James gets caught off-guard by the push and stumbles backwards to catch himself again, but all of that is secondary compared to his shock at what Keith just said. For one small second, he is silent too stunned to respond. Then he catches himself mentally as well. ]

You... Keith, you're.... You matter. To secret societies, to me--

[On any other night, Keith would have just up and left the room. Tonight of all nights happens to be a full moon. This never stopped him from leaving back in Arizona, but this is Soleil. A place where there's going to be all kinds of consequences he doesn't want to face if something goes wrong and too many uncertain variables that might test his already frayed nerves.

It leaves him stuck in the room. Stuck with James and those godawful words and he just leaves him wanting to claw off his own skin. Hanging his head, he sits back down, gripping the edges of his bed so hard the metal frame starts digging mauve grooves into his fingers.]

I told you to forget it.

Edited 2019-04-06 08:31 (UTC)

I can't.

[ He can't just lie and pretend he didn't hear that, when it made his understanding of Keith expand again, almost uncomfortably. For the second time since coming to France, something about Keith clicked into place, completing a puzzle that James didn't even know he was solving. He takes a deep breath. ]

You're not fucked up or any of these things. It's worth it to try and get along with you. Sparring, shopping... that was fun. Walking on eggshells, sure, but kind of fun.

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