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[ James grits his teeth together so heavily that it hurts at Keith's outburst. He's had enough of this conversation, he's had enough of every kind gesture he's ever given Keith's way only coming back to make him feel worse. But he can't stop this, can't give up on getting along now that he's put so much into it. He won't be losing to Keith again.

For this evening though, he's had enough of his roommate. Keith wants him to shut up? Great, he can have that. See what a great and considerate roommate James is. He lifts his head again and demonstratively flips a page on his book, getting back to work at least seemingly. ]

[Silence. He asked for it and it only makes him feel sick. ]

What's wrong with you? I snap at you and you just... take it. Even though -- [He breathes in, digging his fingers deeper into the pillow.]

Even though I'm the one fucking things up again.

[He sits up, yanking the blanket off of him.]

I hate this.

[ For the first time since he went back to his desk, James actually looks at Keith. Or more accurately, he whips around to stare. He needs the eye contact to convince himself that Keith is for real, that he's actually such a major jackass idiot. It seems hardly possible.]

What, like you aren't making me prove myself by hurling this shit at me until I 'reveal my real colors' and you can convince yourself I wanted to be mean to you from the start?

I'm not going to budge, Keith, get it into your thick skull. You can't make me change my mind. I will get along with you. With you specifically.

[ It all comes out rapid-fire, fast and agitated. James feels himself getting up without planning to do so, simply staring at Keith and inappropriately declaring his intent in a slightly raised voice.]

[The instant James gets up, Keith follows suit' It's nothing but a pure aversion to feeling small in the other's presence, and it's a dangerous one at that. One that's very familiar. One that tends to lead to bruises and mistakes. Already Keith's hands are balled into fists, though they aren't raised.

The words are.. absurd. I will get along with you? What kind of declaration is that? Keith doesn't know if he wants to laugh or just shake James back into reality.]

I'm not! [Frustrated; he loses grip on things like eloquence.] I'm not trying to make you do anything! You're the one who --

[He cuts himself off, clenching his teeth. No. He;s doing this all wrong.]

Fine. You're right. I'm fucked up. So start making sense and stop trying to be my friend.

Edited 2019-04-06 00:35 (UTC)

I didn't say that, shithead!

[ Unbearable. Keith is unbearable and so is the tension between them. James steps forward, anger coursing through his veins.]

You're an absolute asshole, yeah, but that won't stop me. I messed this up once and I won't mess up a second time!

[ His hands shoot up to grip Keith's shoulders. He's not sure what he's intending with the motion, not sure what he's doing at all.]

I know what I'm doing! I know what I want! I've watched you our whole lives, I know who I'm talking to, so stop undermining it!

[Keith wasn't expecting to be grabbed. The hands on his shoulders has him immediately bringing his own hands to grab James' wrists. gaze cold as he looks James dead in the eyes.]

The hell?! You were an asshole to me in school for a few years and now you think you know me? You don't know a damn thing about me, idiot! You don't know what kind of life I've had or what I've been through.

[Teeth grit, his grip on James' wrists tightens; fingernails digging into skin.]

You wouldn't get it either. Someone like you -- [A sharp intake of breath.] Just get off me already!

[ James can't actually get off Keith, at least not easily. Not with Keith's nails digging into his skin painfully. How did they get here? How did a simple gesture backfire this badly? James hates it. Blood is rushing in his ears, anger and dread equally taking hold of his body.]

People like me, is that so? What kind of terrible person am I, that I can never change and make amends?!

[ He's speaking more quietly himself now, meeting Keith's stare evenly. Nobody has ever made him feel this much like shit. And yet he doesn't want to give up.]

Someone who's always known that they fucking matter!

[The words come out in a venomous rage. Keith is sick of this, sick of every word comng out of James' fucking mouth, but this? This was far too much fucking said on his part.]

[Flooded with the need to get the hell away from James and what he just said, he releases his grip on James like the contact's given him third degree burns, shoving James as hard as he can to put some space back between them..]

I-- [Shitshitshitshit.] Just forget it.

[ James gets caught off-guard by the push and stumbles backwards to catch himself again, but all of that is secondary compared to his shock at what Keith just said. For one small second, he is silent too stunned to respond. Then he catches himself mentally as well. ]

You... Keith, you're.... You matter. To secret societies, to me--

[On any other night, Keith would have just up and left the room. Tonight of all nights happens to be a full moon. This never stopped him from leaving back in Arizona, but this is Soleil. A place where there's going to be all kinds of consequences he doesn't want to face if something goes wrong and too many uncertain variables that might test his already frayed nerves.

It leaves him stuck in the room. Stuck with James and those godawful words and he just leaves him wanting to claw off his own skin. Hanging his head, he sits back down, gripping the edges of his bed so hard the metal frame starts digging mauve grooves into his fingers.]

I told you to forget it.

Edited 2019-04-06 08:31 (UTC)

I can't.

[ He can't just lie and pretend he didn't hear that, when it made his understanding of Keith expand again, almost uncomfortably. For the second time since coming to France, something about Keith clicked into place, completing a puzzle that James didn't even know he was solving. He takes a deep breath. ]

You're not fucked up or any of these things. It's worth it to try and get along with you. Sparring, shopping... that was fun. Walking on eggshells, sure, but kind of fun.

[There aren't words strong enough to convey the degree of regret he feels right this second. He's said so much hateful shit that he wouldn't take back, so why is this the thing he wants to physically pummel out of James' brain? Keith looks up.]

I don't need a fucking pep talk from you. Drop it.

It's not a pep talk. I'm just saying it so you know for sure.

[ He pauses and sighs.]

Or as sure as you'll believe me on anything.

[ The bitterness about Keith second guessing him hasn't resolved yet. Jame sits back down on his desk chair, though he still looks at Keith.]

That's all.

Edited 2019-04-06 08:59 (UTC)

[Keith stares at James for a long moment, teeth grit and looking like he's got a lot he wants to say in response to that, but he's gone so far to the other extreme of not wanting to say anything else unnecessary that the ensuing silence itself is deafening. Slowly, he lets go of the bed frame, ignoring the dull aching of his fingers to fold his arms over his chest.]

Fine. It's not a pep talk. We done here or do you have any other grievances you wanna air out.

[ 'It's not me who turned this into an ordeal' James wants to say and doesn't, because that would turn into another ordeal in and of itself.] .

Done. I'll leave you alone, so go rest.

[It's on the tip of his tongue to remind James he doesn't need anyone's permission to rest, but he's just so thoroughly done with words, still so angry with himself for having said so much that he simpy turns his back on James and lies back down. Pulling the blanket back over himself, Keith represses a sigh and closes his eyes.

Sleep isn't going to come any time soon and after everything, it feels even more like a futile dream to chase after.]

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