onebetter | Inbox for daybreakacademy

I am.

[ And as sad as it is that Keith is so incredulous about it, it does help James to contextualize all the mistrustful assumptions Keith makes in regards to James' attempts. Maybe it isn't entirely James, maybe it isn't entirely the past they share... Maybe it's just Keith and whatever happened in his life far away from James' view. ]

I've got a lot of questions about all of this, but that one, I am sure of.

[The stubborn as hell answer is something he's come to expect from James for... well, for whatever reason. It'd never really taken root as anything particularly meaningful -- or at least, it was never allowed to become anything to count on as having real depth.

Hearing this same thing affirmed now leaves Keith feeling like someone's reached into his body and pulled out part of his soul and put it in his hand where it's crawled up into the fetal position, all vulnerable and scared. Inexplicably, he wants to laugh, but he doesn't really know at what or why.

Throat tightening, Keith swallows dryly.]

You... really are an idiot, you know that.

[....which shouldn't make him smile, but he does so anyway in secret.]

[ This time, James does heave a sigh, deep and exaggerated. It's a sigh of relaxation more than it is of frustration, in actuality.]

Right back at you.

[ In truth, none of Keith's current concerns are particularly idiotic, but Keith has racked up enough dumbass points that James can call him one without guilt anyway. ]

You keep shaking up what I think of you, but it's nice to have that constant.

[The way this conversation is flowing is familiar. Banter and insults back and forth, and it helps Keith find some solid footing again after an earthwuake. He doesn't look up, still looking only at his hands which he opens and closes.]

You just made a lot of assumptions about me. Not my fault you're wrong a lot.

Guess so, but even you have to admit that this one was wildly out of left field.

[ James likewise begins to relax some more, now that the atmosphere is more familiar and Keith doesn't quite seem like he's coming apart at the seams anymore. ]

[He takes a deep breath, letting it out in an audible sigh.]

So what do you think about me now? No sugarcoating.

[The question feels wrong on all levels. He never cared what James thought of him before, never cared what James thought at all. As nonchalant as he wants to be about this, and as indifferent as he wishes he could be about the answer, part of him can't and won't relax until he knows.]

[ That's... a loaded question. James stays silent for a moment, considering how to answer. Wondering if he himself knows the answer. It's not like he spends every day trying to put specific words to his relationships to people - or rather, if he does try it, Keith rejects those terms, so now.... Hm. ]

You're a walking minefield. I never know what to say around you and you always take me by surprise one way or another. Just when I thought I figured out your pattern, you turn out to be a werewolf.

[ Saying it so flippantly is James' attempt to make himself get used to the thought fast, but it's not really working. It just sounds bizarre said out loud. ]

It drives me crazy that you won't trust me.

[ And that's probably the core of it all. James isn't sure he really wants to hear any answers to it, so he continues quickly. ]

You're a lot of fun when you're not busy driving me up the wall or uprooting all my thoughts. I'm not taking back the friend thing.

[There's a long silence after that. Various retorts come to mind with varying shades of annoyance, though he says none of them. Instead:]

What do you want me to trust you with?

[ Aaaand, of course Keith latches onto the very part that James wishes he hadn't said. James looks hesitant only for a brief moment, before he decides that there is no way back now. ]

My intentions. Every time I try to prove to you that I'm being sincere, you seem to decide it's just all part of me faking it for the sake of my own ego.

I have nothing to gain by simply fooling you. You could kill me if you thought I was using you, why would I ever risk it?

[There'd been a different response in mind entirely, but that final hypothetical question gets Keith to finally look over at James.]

So you are scared of me.

No, but I am appealing to your sense of logic to please finally believe me.

[ That reply comes without hesitation or faltering as James meets Keith's gaze evenly. ]

[Keith holds that stare for a long moment, eyes narrowed. When he speaks, his voice is low as he gestures to the picture of him and his dad that his child-self had drawn weeks ago.]

My dad. [The phrase feels odd coming out of his mouth again.] He was my only family and he never once told me anything about this. Never told me anything about my mom. I never had a single reason to doubt his intentions until the day I realized what I am.

who are you in comparison, James? I trust you as much as I can. Why is that not enough?

[ James holds the stare for as long as he can, but when Keith talks about his father, he falters. Every new part of Keith's life story is worse and less relatable than the one he heard before. ]

Seems like that question is mutual. Heh.

[ What else can it be but amusing, that they fumble around each other so badly, and that they both never feel like it's enough for the other? How is that the one thing they somehow relate on? ]

I just never had anyone who always assumed the worst of me before. And I know that sounds completely benign and ridiculous to you. It just means something to me, because I've been trying.

[ It makes James feel small. He hates nothing more. ]

I'll just have to do as I ask and trust that you trust me, huh? I can... I can do that.

[Keith continues to look directly at James for another moment after the other is finished talking. In the past, he would have immediately pointed out that it's James shouldn't be acting like there was never a valid reason for the distrust between them in the first place. He still feels that part of him launching this protest in the back of his mind, but instead he looks away and sighs.]

I know you're trying. Just accept that I'm trying too.

That's fair.

[ Trying to get rid of the vulnerable tension inside his mind, he stretches his upper body a bit and leans back against the wall properly. ]

... thanks. For telling me all of this.

[ Keith could have lied to him and he'd have been none the wiser. The idea of someone he's known this long being an outland creature had seemed preposterous to him only this morning. ]

[Still frowning as he stares down at his knees:]

You're the only one I've ever told. So.. [A beat as he swallows and glares over at James again.] .. don't fucking tell me I don't trust you again. I might have to hit you for it.

[ Despite himself and the whole situation, James has to smile at that. ]

I won't say it again, so don't look forward to the hitting too much.

[Keith raises an eyebrow at that inexplicable smile, half wondering if James actually took the comment seriously, half simply annoyed in reflex.]

I mean it, idiot. I don't want anyone to know about it.

I got that.

[ James nods and takes another one of these deep breaths that have become so popular in this conversation. ]

So the school board also doesn't know. [ Then, hastily added: ] I won't tell.

[He tenses up again immediately at the mention of the school board and despite James' assurance otherwise, his body language stays tense.]

You better not.

I just said I won't! I just...

Do you mind telling me the full story? I know you won't randomly attack anyone, I know you got it under control, but... I'd just like to know.

[The glaring doesn't stop though. Keith continues to fix James with a sharp look until finally, he bites his lower lip and turns his face towards the window.]

What specifically do you want to know?

If I'm honest? All of it. How long it's been like this, how you dealt with it... everything.

[ Maybe if Keith told him this time, maybe then he'd finally, finally understand him. Yeah, right. ]

But I also realize that's a lot to ask. So, what I think I need to know is... how does it work? Here and now. Do you turn at full moon? How do you transform back? How conscious are you during? That kind of thing.

[The kneejerk desire to correct the statement from "what I think I need to know" to "what you want to know" is difficult to bite back, especially considering how invasive those questions feel. He knows that any roommate of his should probably know those things, but it's easy to tell that Keith doesn't really want to talk about any of this.

A long silence passes between them, and he doesn't make eye contact when he finally breaks it.]

I can change at will. The full moon messes with me a little. A lot. It...uh... [Biting on his lip for a moment.] .. gives me strong urges to be a wolf, but I can usually get through it without turning.

[There's a deep breath as he considers the rest of it.]

I'm not... fully in control when I'm a wolf. It's like tapping into something... I guess, something that's a lot sharper and faster than what I'm used to. Like the wolf part of my mind knows what it wants to do much faster than I do so it doesn't wait for me.

[Frowning, there's another deep breath and this time his staring could bore holes into bedsheet.]

...I don't remember a whole lot about running away from Kisara. Flashes of stuff like sprinting down the mountain. Trees. Bushes. Running into someone familiar.

[ James listens intently, wishing to commit every detail of this to memory. Who knows when this information could get to be useful in the future? For all he's saying that Keith doesn't scare him (which is true), the possibilities of accidents still linger in the back of his mind now, uselessly. Precedent dictates that nothing will ever happen, and yet... ]

So you recognized me, to a degree... I'm glad for that.

[ He recognized him and yet did not attack. No part of Keith, deep down, wants to hurt him anymore. ]

If you ever need help during full moon, distraction or anything... Let me know.

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