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[onebetter]

username: LT.Griffin

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[onebetter]

[ James brightens up at the gym admission, and it absolutely overshadows the existential question that follows after. ]

Looks like we're still same up with the gyms!

[ He's so goddamn pleased by this. What a good rivalry. ]

... and yes, I know. Not being able to remember it after just seems like a major downside.

[marmoron]

[keith honestly has zero clue why janes is so thrilled that they both have seven badges, but he rolls his eyes and moves on.]

Same could be said about life back home. You live, you die, you're not gonna remmeber what you did there either.

[onebetter]

[ James makes a face at that assessment. ]

So according to your philosophy we've been born anew here and once we 'go home' we'll basically die and be reincarnated into our original lives.

That's one way of looking at it.

[marmoron]

[that actually gets a bit of a laugh, the timbre of which is not strictly happy. it's the amalgamation of exasperation and dry amusement.]

Wouldn't have called it a philosophy.

[he sets his coffee down, eyes narrowing as he looks up at james.]

Look. There are people here who've died back home. Everything you're calling futile and pointless? This is it for them. I was wrong to see it the way I did before and I'm tired of inventing reasons not to be happy.

[a beat.]

If you're gonna talk to Allura, do me another favor and don't be so callous with your existential angst.

[onebetter]

Well, I don't generally try to ruin my reputation with people who I don't know well--

[ The casual answer is out before he catches up to the words 'callous' and 'Allura' in the same context. He freezes up completely, and his expression turns to shock. ]

.... no. She's...?

[marmoron]

[the realization that he's said far more than he intended comes a second too late and it leaves keith sighing deeply. not exasperated this time, but just... tired. he glances away, picking his words more carefully.]

She doesn't want anyone to know. I think she's only told Romelle about it.

[and that's okay. it's not his story to broadcast to the world after all, even if it makes talking to the rest of the paladins awkward.]

But ... yeah.

[onebetter]

[ Now that's sobering. She seemed so bright and alive when she came here, and yet... James rubs a hand over his face. ]

... god. I'm sorry.

[ For a moment, all he can be is silent. What is there to say, when it's... ugh. This is awful. This is all so wrong. ]

I won't... I'm not going to say anything. Getting used to not telling anyone anything, but this one I even understand.

[marmoron]

[a part of keith wants to ask why james is even sorry here considering the guy was never particularly close to allura, but it's a thought that fizzles out. instead he goes quiet for a long moment. he hasn't talked about it much -- couldn't really, because nobody else here knows what it was like at the origin and what life was like afterwards.]

Can't save everyone, no matter how much you want to.

[but despite the apparent nonchalance of the words, his hand is balling into a fist.]

[onebetter]

It seems so obvious, but it's still a lesson only truly learned the hard way...

[ James thinks of his mother, for a moment. He still doesn't know what exactly happened to her. He doesn't think he wants to know either. At this point it would only make it worse. ]

I said some awful things to you about your cost in the war. I know we've been over it, but seriously, sorry. Losing one of your team is hard. For a few months I thought I'd lost Lance's sister on one of our missions. We were lucky, she made it, but many others didn't. I know how awful you must feel.

[marmoron]

She's more than just a teammate.

[keith doesn't know exactly where he's going with this correction, but calling her that seems ... clinical.]

She was practically family. She isn't just someone you can replace with a new team member.

[onebetter]

... so more like my mother then.

[ That's worse. For Keith, anyway. For Allura, it doesn't matter what she was to anybody, she's dead all the same. It's depressing no matter how you look at it. ]

Though... my teammates also feel like family to me. If one of them died... I don't want to think it.

[marmoron]

Okay. She is not like my mom.

[just correcting this instantly. don't make it weird, james.]

[onebetter]

.... in terms of emotional significance? Because I lost my mother in the war, you know?

[ WHAT KIND OF WEIRD TURN DID THIS TAKE FOR KEITH............ ]

[marmoron]

[he's going to sigh here.]

Right.

[it takes another moment before his expression stops being as skeptical.]

Don't want to imagine Krolia dying either.

[onebetter]

Better not to.

[ It's horrible when you experience it, why torture yourself with the hypothetical. James shakes his head slowly. ]

Point is, war is horrible. We were all just kids who wanted to go into space once... feels like a lifetime ago.

[marmoron]

...yeah. It really does feel like an eternity's passed since Shiro came to our school, huh.

[really. a lot has happened -- too much for keith to know how to unpack. maybe some of it is just better off never unpacked as well.]

You don't really like Shiro, do you.

[onebetter]

[ James looks stunned for a moment. The waiter, sensing that there is an opening in what seems to be a rather serious conversation, swiftly places their meals in front of them. ]

Can't hide anything from you, huh?

[ He's so sure he never really said anything about this either. He'd never disrespect authority this way. ]

I used to feel conflicted him for a variety of reasons, secretly, but he's also always been a hero to me. Now... well, he's happy here. I'm glad for that. I don't think my past feelings really matter much anymore.

[marmoron]

[keith drops eye contact, choosing instead to examine his plate of food.]

Yeah. Shiro has changed some, huh.

[it's stated perhaps a little flatly -- by now he's made his peace with the policy of keeping secrets from his brother, even if it's certainly put some distance between them that wasn't there before. picking up his fork, he gives his mashed potatoes a quick poke to make sure it's not lumpy.]

What are you doing on New Years?

[onebetter]

[ Some seems like an understatement but that might just be James' exceptional bias against the rainbow-dye hair.

Either way, the follow-up question makes him blink in surprise. ]

I don't have any plans. I'll probably just be on the road.

[marmoron]

By yourself?

[he raises an eyebrow, then shakes his head.]

You should come to Shiro's wedding if you don't have a problem with Shiro or Pidge anymore. Assuming this talk about not being a recluse anymore wasn't just talk.

[onebetter]

[ h u h ]

Well, I would, but... kind of awkward to show up when you weren't invited?

[ And he can't exactly fault them for not inviting him, it's not like they're close... ]

[marmoron]

We're all allowed to bring a guest. Shiro won't mind if I invite you.

[onebetter]

[ There's silence at the table for a long moment. Though this is the natural continuation of the conversation, James hadn't expected to hear it in a million years.

Suddenly he's Keith, age 8, sitting alone at a corner table. Suddenly Keith is James, also age 8, inviting him to come sit at lunch.

He's got a choice now to make that reversed situation go a lot better than the original. So he swallows all statement of disbelief and simply focuses on what matters. ]

... I'd really like that. Thank you.

[marmoron]

[the silence is profoundly awkward and the thought of retracting the invitation crosses keith's mind more than once.]

... okay. You don't have to come if you don't want to.

[he raises an eyebrow.]

[onebetter]

I just said I wanted to come!

[ Keith, what even.... James takes a short sip of his drink because his throat feels kind of dry and he hates it. ]

I was just surprised you'd offer, that's all.