[a part of keith wants to ask why james is even sorry here considering the guy was never particularly close to allura, but it's a thought that fizzles out. instead he goes quiet for a long moment. he hasn't talked about it much -- couldn't really, because nobody else here knows what it was like at the origin and what life was like afterwards.]
Can't save everyone, no matter how much you want to.
[but despite the apparent nonchalance of the words, his hand is balling into a fist.]
It seems so obvious, but it's still a lesson only truly learned the hard way...
[ James thinks of his mother, for a moment. He still doesn't know what exactly happened to her. He doesn't think he wants to know either. At this point it would only make it worse. ]
I said some awful things to you about your cost in the war. I know we've been over it, but seriously, sorry. Losing one of your team is hard. For a few months I thought I'd lost Lance's sister on one of our missions. We were lucky, she made it, but many others didn't. I know how awful you must feel.
[ That's worse. For Keith, anyway. For Allura, it doesn't matter what she was to anybody, she's dead all the same. It's depressing no matter how you look at it. ]
Though... my teammates also feel like family to me. If one of them died... I don't want to think it.
[ James looks stunned for a moment. The waiter, sensing that there is an opening in what seems to be a rather serious conversation, swiftly places their meals in front of them. ]
Can't hide anything from you, huh?
[ He's so sure he never really said anything about this either. He'd never disrespect authority this way. ]
I used to feel conflicted him for a variety of reasons, secretly, but he's also always been a hero to me. Now... well, he's happy here. I'm glad for that. I don't think my past feelings really matter much anymore.
[keith drops eye contact, choosing instead to examine his plate of food.]
Yeah. Shiro has changed some, huh.
[it's stated perhaps a little flatly -- by now he's made his peace with the policy of keeping secrets from his brother, even if it's certainly put some distance between them that wasn't there before. picking up his fork, he gives his mashed potatoes a quick poke to make sure it's not lumpy.]
You should come to Shiro's wedding if you don't have a problem with Shiro or Pidge anymore. Assuming this talk about not being a recluse anymore wasn't just talk.
[ There's silence at the table for a long moment. Though this is the natural continuation of the conversation, James hadn't expected to hear it in a million years.
Suddenly he's Keith, age 8, sitting alone at a corner table. Suddenly Keith is James, also age 8, inviting him to come sit at lunch.
He's got a choice now to make that reversed situation go a lot better than the original. So he swallows all statement of disbelief and simply focuses on what matters. ]
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... god. I'm sorry.
[ For a moment, all he can be is silent. What is there to say, when it's... ugh. This is awful. This is all so wrong. ]
I won't... I'm not going to say anything. Getting used to not telling anyone anything, but this one I even understand.
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Can't save everyone, no matter how much you want to.
[but despite the apparent nonchalance of the words, his hand is balling into a fist.]
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[ James thinks of his mother, for a moment. He still doesn't know what exactly happened to her. He doesn't think he wants to know either. At this point it would only make it worse. ]
I said some awful things to you about your cost in the war. I know we've been over it, but seriously, sorry. Losing one of your team is hard. For a few months I thought I'd lost Lance's sister on one of our missions. We were lucky, she made it, but many others didn't. I know how awful you must feel.
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[keith doesn't know exactly where he's going with this correction, but calling her that seems ... clinical.]
She was practically family. She isn't just someone you can replace with a new team member.
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[ That's worse. For Keith, anyway. For Allura, it doesn't matter what she was to anybody, she's dead all the same. It's depressing no matter how you look at it. ]
Though... my teammates also feel like family to me. If one of them died... I don't want to think it.
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[just correcting this instantly. don't make it weird, james.]
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[ WHAT KIND OF WEIRD TURN DID THIS TAKE FOR KEITH............ ]
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Right.
[it takes another moment before his expression stops being as skeptical.]
Don't want to imagine Krolia dying either.
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[ It's horrible when you experience it, why torture yourself with the hypothetical. James shakes his head slowly. ]
Point is, war is horrible. We were all just kids who wanted to go into space once... feels like a lifetime ago.
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[really. a lot has happened -- too much for keith to know how to unpack. maybe some of it is just better off never unpacked as well.]
You don't really like Shiro, do you.
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Can't hide anything from you, huh?
[ He's so sure he never really said anything about this either. He'd never disrespect authority this way. ]
I used to feel conflicted him for a variety of reasons, secretly, but he's also always been a hero to me. Now... well, he's happy here. I'm glad for that. I don't think my past feelings really matter much anymore.
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Yeah. Shiro has changed some, huh.
[it's stated perhaps a little flatly -- by now he's made his peace with the policy of keeping secrets from his brother, even if it's certainly put some distance between them that wasn't there before. picking up his fork, he gives his mashed potatoes a quick poke to make sure it's not lumpy.]
What are you doing on New Years?
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Either way, the follow-up question makes him blink in surprise. ]
I don't have any plans. I'll probably just be on the road.
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[he raises an eyebrow, then shakes his head.]
You should come to Shiro's wedding if you don't have a problem with Shiro or Pidge anymore. Assuming this talk about not being a recluse anymore wasn't just talk.
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Well, I would, but... kind of awkward to show up when you weren't invited?
[ And he can't exactly fault them for not inviting him, it's not like they're close... ]
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Suddenly he's Keith, age 8, sitting alone at a corner table. Suddenly Keith is James, also age 8, inviting him to come sit at lunch.
He's got a choice now to make that reversed situation go a lot better than the original. So he swallows all statement of disbelief and simply focuses on what matters. ]
... I'd really like that. Thank you.
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... okay. You don't have to come if you don't want to.
[he raises an eyebrow.]
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[ Keith, what even.... James takes a short sip of his drink because his throat feels kind of dry and he hates it. ]
I was just surprised you'd offer, that's all.
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Why? You said you were lonely so I asked if you wanted to come to this wedding. It's not like a date or whatever.
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I didn't think it was!! What the hell...
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[the hell INDEED.]
Okay. You're turning red and I need you to stop that immediately.
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It's an involuntary reaction to your weird ideas! Of course it's not a date! It's just socializing!
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[don't turn this around on him, you blushing weirdo?!]
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[ He wants to calm down about this, but it's so embarrassing he thinks he might die.... ]
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